The normal life

Thinking back to when Sawyer and I first got together, the most important thing on our minds was ‘when would we see each other next’ Being that I am 1 year and 9 months older than her it made things a little harder. After she graduated high school it wasn’t long before she moved in with me. Back then we were always going out to clubs, movies, hanging out with friends, pretty much having fun. But not anymore.

One of the questions I keep asking myself is “Will I ever be the same? Will we ever be the same?” When I miscarried in September 2010 it broke my heart! It crushed me.  I cried and cried for days.  I was away from work for the entire month of September. Between being on bedrest, then the miscarriage. Going to work being around people who were going to say “I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do for you?” I just couldn’t handle it. Now after years of trying to conceive with help from Drs, and numerous failures it has literally drove me insane. IVF has completely consumed my life. The one thing that is constantly on my mind is IVF. Whether we are in between cycles or awaiting embryo transfer, my mind is totally consumed. I don’t want to go out to clubs anymore, I don’t want to hang out with friends anymore, I really don’t want to do anything. I think part of it is that I feel like part of me is missing. I feel my mind wondering about other things when I’m supposed to be having fun. And then all I ever want to talk about is “if” and “when”. I know it’s not healthy but I literally cannot control it. I joined an online forum for women going through IVF and FET as well as many other infertility related topics. I check it several times dail, post different threads, and have even built friendships with other women who are also in the same boat. Just talking to someone who is familiar with the process and the emotions it brings is nice. It makes me feel like I’m not THAT crazy after all.

Something I have been wondering lately is; is it even possible to go back to how things used to be? Back to the “normal” life we lived where having a baby wasn’t constantly on our mind? I mean surely it is but probably not until AFTER we have our first child. I don’t think we will ever be the same as before. We have both changed completely. As a couple and individually. Sawyer is my biggest support system. She is my rock. She is the one person who holds me together through this entire process. She is the one who tells me it is okay to cry and to just breathe. I am so proud of the woman she has grown to be. She is working a fulltime job, a fulltime student, and 100% involved in this whole process. Even when that means waking up at 3am to drive back to Oklahoma because I cry when it’s time for her to head back home (damn all these fertility drugs), and for me to stay in Texas because I’m to the point of everyday appointments with the doctor. She is simply amazing. She is going to be an amazing mom. So maybe going back to how things used to be won’t happen, but I know one day we will look back on all of this and not want to change a thing because of how strong this entire process has made us.  Sometimes I just wish there was a button I could push or a switch I could flip. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and I get so happy for them. It’s such a joyful thing but next thing I know here I am in complete envy, wishing that was ME! WHY ME? Then I’m right back on that emotional roller coaster. I know there are several other women in my shoes wondering the same thing, so I’m not alone…All I can do is simply pray. Pray to God that he will guide us through this and give us the strength to push through our fears and never give up on our hopes and dreams of one day being called “mommy” from that sweet tiny little voice.