Just waiting...

Saturday we attended the seminar that Dr. Sher and Dr. Saleh put on. They were giving away a free IVF cycle but you had to attend the seminar and be present to win. We didn't have the golden ticket unfortunately. It lasted a little over 2 hours. We pretty much already knew most of the information that was discussed during this, only because we have already went through so many cycles. We did however learn a little bit more about the NK cells and then the PGD and CGH (testing of the embryos for genetic disorders). Tons of brochures and hand outs were given over numerous other topics regarding IVF. We even got cool little egg shaped stress balls.

Now just to wait for the phone call from the doctors office about my blood test. Monday will be the 7th day, hoping they call sooner than later. The waiting is driving me crazy. Getting nervous and super anxious!!! Still praying to God to let me have these NK cells.

The normal life

Thinking back to when Sawyer and I first got together, the most important thing on our minds was ‘when would we see each other next’ Being that I am 1 year and 9 months older than her it made things a little harder. After she graduated high school it wasn’t long before she moved in with me. Back then we were always going out to clubs, movies, hanging out with friends, pretty much having fun. But not anymore.

One of the questions I keep asking myself is “Will I ever be the same? Will we ever be the same?” When I miscarried in September 2010 it broke my heart! It crushed me.  I cried and cried for days.  I was away from work for the entire month of September. Between being on bedrest, then the miscarriage. Going to work being around people who were going to say “I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do for you?” I just couldn’t handle it. Now after years of trying to conceive with help from Drs, and numerous failures it has literally drove me insane. IVF has completely consumed my life. The one thing that is constantly on my mind is IVF. Whether we are in between cycles or awaiting embryo transfer, my mind is totally consumed. I don’t want to go out to clubs anymore, I don’t want to hang out with friends anymore, I really don’t want to do anything. I think part of it is that I feel like part of me is missing. I feel my mind wondering about other things when I’m supposed to be having fun. And then all I ever want to talk about is “if” and “when”. I know it’s not healthy but I literally cannot control it. I joined an online forum for women going through IVF and FET as well as many other infertility related topics. I check it several times dail, post different threads, and have even built friendships with other women who are also in the same boat. Just talking to someone who is familiar with the process and the emotions it brings is nice. It makes me feel like I’m not THAT crazy after all.

Something I have been wondering lately is; is it even possible to go back to how things used to be? Back to the “normal” life we lived where having a baby wasn’t constantly on our mind? I mean surely it is but probably not until AFTER we have our first child. I don’t think we will ever be the same as before. We have both changed completely. As a couple and individually. Sawyer is my biggest support system. She is my rock. She is the one person who holds me together through this entire process. She is the one who tells me it is okay to cry and to just breathe. I am so proud of the woman she has grown to be. She is working a fulltime job, a fulltime student, and 100% involved in this whole process. Even when that means waking up at 3am to drive back to Oklahoma because I cry when it’s time for her to head back home (damn all these fertility drugs), and for me to stay in Texas because I’m to the point of everyday appointments with the doctor. She is simply amazing. She is going to be an amazing mom. So maybe going back to how things used to be won’t happen, but I know one day we will look back on all of this and not want to change a thing because of how strong this entire process has made us.  Sometimes I just wish there was a button I could push or a switch I could flip. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and I get so happy for them. It’s such a joyful thing but next thing I know here I am in complete envy, wishing that was ME! WHY ME? Then I’m right back on that emotional roller coaster. I know there are several other women in my shoes wondering the same thing, so I’m not alone…All I can do is simply pray. Pray to God that he will guide us through this and give us the strength to push through our fears and never give up on our hopes and dreams of one day being called “mommy” from that sweet tiny little voice.

 

Sawyer's Thoughts

As I am supporting Brittany through this long journey of infertility, a few things come to mind, wondering when it’ll all end, questioning if it is right to put someone so young through all these treatments, not to mention the mental stress, wondering if we should let our family in on all our heartaches, how far is too far, etc? These are just some of the thoughts that come to mind daily, if not twice a day. I do wonder when it’ll be the end, when we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to call ours, then I remember that quote, “Let go and Let GOD”, it is hard to trust someone who you’ve never seen. My faith is strong, I grew up going to Church every Sunday (you can imagine how my parents are with me being gay, but that is another subject), but I still wonder WHEN & IF!!! Putting Brittany through numerous IVF cycles, injecting medicine into her body, if you don’t know already puts her at risk for many things later in life – to mention a few, ovarian and breast cancer – not to mention the emotional stress it puts her through currently. As I sit back and watch, knowing there is not one thing I can do to help her besides just be with her, it is hard on me and on our relationship. But recently, we let our family know just WHAT we were traveling to Dallas for so much. I mean, a select few already knew, like Brittany’s awesome Aunt & Uncle that live in a suburb of Dallas, which has been great so we haven’t had to foot a single hotel bill, talk about a buck saver. Not only have they been there for a place to stay, but Kim has been an awesome emotional support for Britt & Steve helps in his own little way, too (you all know how men are). J Tina, britt’s mom knew, too… Maybe not the extent of everything, but she knew we were trying to have a baby only bc she keeps saying how badddd she wants to be a grandma. My mom, on the other hand, I was scared to tell her. I didn’t know how she would react, what opinions she would have that maybe I just didn’t want to hear. But, she was down visiting one night and Britt had an appointment she had left for the next day and my mom just flat out asked me, “Is Britt going to an Infertility Doctor?” Uh, whoa, can you imagine your heart dropping, thinking oh shit, what do I do, I can’t lie… So as I gather my thoughts in my head, I mumble very timidly, “uh yes, yes momma.” At that moment, all my fear of ‘telling my mom’ had surfaced and the next few minutes, I realized, I should have told her a lot sooner. She was very interested in the subject, she was glad that I personally have waited until I am finished with school to carry a child, she was supportive and we talked for a good hour on the subject. Although, in the beginning my mom wasn’t Brittany’s biggest fan, they’ve certainly became closer in the past year and I thank God for that daily. As for now, no far is too far, we will do whatever it financially, emotionally and mentally it takes to have a child. People ask, “why doesn’t Sawyer carry?” or “why don’t you guys just adopt?” well those are two questions that one day will eventually have the answer “yes.” But as for now, it is Britt’s turn for the spot light, it is her turn to experience the joys and not so joys of pregnancy and until she has had a pregnancy that we both want so bad, the rest of our family planning will be exactly where it is now, out of our mind.

Finances

IVF isn’t cheap AT ALL! I’m going to just throw that out there for people who aren’t familiar with it. 1 ivf cycle can cost $15,000 if not more depending where you go. And that doesn’t include the medication either. The meds alone cost $3,000 - $6,000 depending on the protocol the dr. uses and which pharmacy you order from. Most are usually the same price give or take a few dollars. Luckily my health insurance covered Infertility treatments up to $15,000 with a $5,000 prescription policy as well. I am so fortunate to have this coverage. Only having to pay 20% plus $45 co-pays helped us be able to even TRY to conceive with help from a reproductive endocrinologist. But we also didn’t think we would still be on this path of trying to conceive our first child after 2.5 years. After our numerous cycles we have almost hit the LIFETIME MAX on my infertility coverage. Getting this news was devastating. Getting a loan for $15,000 was completely out of the picture. There was no way possible I was going to make us go that much more in debt. 15k is a new car, a down payment on a house for most people. Heck we could use 15k to pay off doctor bills, credit cards, cars, etc. When we switched clinics we knew that we had approximately $2500 left to use on my lifetime max.  

I had a phone consult with the financial manager at SIRM to discuss different “plans” they offered, and how much everything would cost. I was most worried that she would tell me they would still charge the cash price and just subtract what insurance would pay. Since that’s what the last clinic was going to do. That sounded a little strange to Sawyer and I both. And of course I was having a mental breakdown.  

Karen from SIRM told me that she would figure up what I would need to pay after my insurance was used, and she would use the contracted rates they had with my health care provider. She informed me it would be a few hours before she could tell me, but assured me she would have all the details in an email ASAP. When my phone went off with the alert of a new email my stomach did flips, I was extremely nervous to open this email. But once I did it was so much more exciting than I thought!!! Let’s just say we are another step closer to hopefully starting our next cycle. NK cell test, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be positive. We are praying so hard!

First post :)

Blogging is something that I am new to. I've come to realize that alot of people do it to help them relieve stress, anxiety, and cope with difficult times. Sometimes it just helps to talk about stuff and get it off your chest.

So here is to my first post!! WOOHOO I guess a little bit of background would be useful at this point. I wont go much into detail since further info can be found under "our TTC story" and "our IVF stats" We have been trying to conceive since May 2010. I did get pregnant but unfortunately miscarried at 12 weeks. I have had 3 miscarriages (2 chemicals) in total. 3 fresh ivf cycles and 2 frozen cycles with 2 different doctors. Now on to the 3rd for more answers.

When you have that person you want to spend your life with and you want to have a family and bring a new life into the world, nobody would of thought it's actually really hard to conceive. 1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility. That is a lot!! Going into our conceiving journey, and seeing a fertility specialist, neither of us thought it would have taken this long to actually work. We still haven't had a successful pregnancy, after numerous heartaches, and thousands of dollars. Its unbelievable how much stress it puts on your body and relationship while going through all this. All of the meds I had to pump my body which made me EXTREMELY moody, caused insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, just a whole slew of things. Even Sawyer would say how crazy I got while on meds. We would both look forward to when I WASN'T on the meds but in the end we knew this was nothing compared to the joy we would experience when being blessed with a beautiful child and we would do WHATEVER it takes to accomplish this. Having a family with the person you love is so beautiful and amazing. Everyone deserves to feel those warm fuzzy feelings.

Friday, March 22nd we had a consult with Dr. Saleh at SIRM in Dallas. His clinic is rated number 4 on the top rated clinics in Texas. SIRM is located all over. Dallas, Vegas, St. Louis, and many more. Dr. Sher who founded the first SIRM clinic strongly believes in Immune tests and that is something we have been asking for. While meeting with Dr. Saleh he explained what he thought our options are. He was very informative and to the point. He even drew us a picture. haha Anyways having numerous failed cycles, accompanied by miscarriage with a title of UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY, testing for the NK (natural killer) cell is the only other test that could answer all of our questions. Not many doctors are on board with this test. We are hoping that I actually have this NK cell, other wise the next step would be to use donor eggs or embryos. Luckily Sawyer is a woman so we would just use her eggs so I could still carry a child. I don't have the best quality eggs which later turns into not so good quality embryos. But I really don't want to think about having to go that route yet. I want to hold on to whats left of me, in hopes that I can still have my own biological child. This blood test is $350 and only an immunologist can run the lab since its a very special type of blood test. Dr. Saleh told us it usually takes about 7 days to hear back from the lab who runs it. I had to wait until today, Monday, to draw my blood since the lab isn't open on the weekends plus Fedex doesn't run. I was given the blood draw packet and took to my local family clinic to draw it and then I had to drop it off at Fedex. Needless to say this well be a LONG LONG week.