Sawyer's Thoughts

As I am supporting Brittany through this long journey of infertility, a few things come to mind, wondering when it’ll all end, questioning if it is right to put someone so young through all these treatments, not to mention the mental stress, wondering if we should let our family in on all our heartaches, how far is too far, etc? These are just some of the thoughts that come to mind daily, if not twice a day. I do wonder when it’ll be the end, when we will have a beautiful baby in our arms to call ours, then I remember that quote, “Let go and Let GOD”, it is hard to trust someone who you’ve never seen. My faith is strong, I grew up going to Church every Sunday (you can imagine how my parents are with me being gay, but that is another subject), but I still wonder WHEN & IF!!! Putting Brittany through numerous IVF cycles, injecting medicine into her body, if you don’t know already puts her at risk for many things later in life – to mention a few, ovarian and breast cancer – not to mention the emotional stress it puts her through currently. As I sit back and watch, knowing there is not one thing I can do to help her besides just be with her, it is hard on me and on our relationship. But recently, we let our family know just WHAT we were traveling to Dallas for so much. I mean, a select few already knew, like Brittany’s awesome Aunt & Uncle that live in a suburb of Dallas, which has been great so we haven’t had to foot a single hotel bill, talk about a buck saver. Not only have they been there for a place to stay, but Kim has been an awesome emotional support for Britt & Steve helps in his own little way, too (you all know how men are). J Tina, britt’s mom knew, too… Maybe not the extent of everything, but she knew we were trying to have a baby only bc she keeps saying how badddd she wants to be a grandma. My mom, on the other hand, I was scared to tell her. I didn’t know how she would react, what opinions she would have that maybe I just didn’t want to hear. But, she was down visiting one night and Britt had an appointment she had left for the next day and my mom just flat out asked me, “Is Britt going to an Infertility Doctor?” Uh, whoa, can you imagine your heart dropping, thinking oh shit, what do I do, I can’t lie… So as I gather my thoughts in my head, I mumble very timidly, “uh yes, yes momma.” At that moment, all my fear of ‘telling my mom’ had surfaced and the next few minutes, I realized, I should have told her a lot sooner. She was very interested in the subject, she was glad that I personally have waited until I am finished with school to carry a child, she was supportive and we talked for a good hour on the subject. Although, in the beginning my mom wasn’t Brittany’s biggest fan, they’ve certainly became closer in the past year and I thank God for that daily. As for now, no far is too far, we will do whatever it financially, emotionally and mentally it takes to have a child. People ask, “why doesn’t Sawyer carry?” or “why don’t you guys just adopt?” well those are two questions that one day will eventually have the answer “yes.” But as for now, it is Britt’s turn for the spot light, it is her turn to experience the joys and not so joys of pregnancy and until she has had a pregnancy that we both want so bad, the rest of our family planning will be exactly where it is now, out of our mind.